Weekly Rewind: April 24

So this week was somewhat of an improvement from the last two weeks. I think I’m somewhat starting to get a handle on things? (I say, as I still frantically realize I’ve forgotten to buy or research some thing I potentially need) I definitely am still feeling overwhelmed, but it is comforting to slowly get things crossed off my neverending list.

I had my first guests over to the new place, which is somewhat odd since I still don't have chairs or tables, but it was mainly so they could see the place new and empty. It’s still dawning on me that this place is mine, and that I really can make it into whatever I want to make it into. The question is: what do I want to make it into?

But the other side of all of this is this truly saddening understanding that at least in the world as it is right now, I don't think I’ll ever really be able to feel like this place is all mine. Because this place is brand spanking new and doesn’t have a lot of things in it (like furniture, appliances, window covers, etc.), and still has a few kinks from the original build (leaking shower heads, plugs that don’t fit, what have you) I’ve had so many people come in and out of this house in the past few weeks, it’s been hard to keep up. And the one thing that is consistent across the board is that they’re all men. And not just men-gendered males. They are all what I would call “manly men”; at least for those who tried to talk to me while they were here servicing the house. The first few instances I was able to let pass as an “oh that’s just how people used to think” (since most of these people also skew on the older end), but after constantly being asked where my boyfriend or husband is (and also asking me to clarify his status for them), after constantly being told “when you have kids, this is what you’ll need to do”, after constantly being served these backhanded jokes about how women are high maintenance and spend a lot of money, I just got so fed up with it. And the saddest part of all of this for me is that these are not people I’m willing to stand up to. Not because I think they’re right, and not because I think any of what they said has any merit whatsoever. But because I’m scared. I’m scared that they know my address and my name, that they know that my “boyfriend? fiance? husband?” isn’t home during certain hours of the day. I’m scared that they can do whatever they want, if they wanted to, and I wouldn’t really be able to stop them.

This is my house. I bought it, I’m paying for it, I’m the one with the constant headache over every little thing about it. And while I’m the one who gets to experience the joy of dealing with all of the expenses and unexpected consequences of homeownership, I don't get to be the one really own it. It’s not that I need anyone to commend me for it, but I don’t need strangers coming into my house and making these assumptions that I can’t possibly have something like this in my own right. I don’t need their affirmations, but I definitely don’t need their antiquated judgment either.

So at this point I’m just looking forward to getting all these setup tasks out of the way so I can actually start enjoying this place. Hopefully that’ll be soon.