Weekly Rewind: March 27
For the most part this week, I’ve been feeling fairly checked out. I had some pretty major event happen this week, which all turned out to be positive, but every other day basically flew right by without much notice.
I finished another Korean drama, and I have to say it’s pretty fun to go back to that K-drama obsession feeling. Though, it’s also pretty draining and definitely makes me feel like I lost an entire day (or days), which is pretty panic-inducing when I feel like I’ve still got so many tasks on my never ending to-do lists.
I had my second home inspection this Monday, and I think it went pretty well. The guy who did the walkthrough with us seemed pretty thorough, and he was pretty nice about all the nitpicks we made. It ended up actually taking the full two hours to go through each room in the house and check out all the things, and even then I’m sure we probably missed stuff. Hopefully nothing major though. I did leave feeling a little bit like the separate inspection that I had done was kind of a waste of time and money. The inspector pointed out a bunch of issues in the report that were either items that weren’t completed yet or were general misunderstandings of the structures and how they were done. So it made me all worried, and made my agent all worried that the builders weren’t building things to code and that safety might be a concern when really he just didn’t really look. In any case, I think I should just be glad that the issues I was scared of weren’t real issues and that the house seems fine so far.
Most of the week passed by relatively monotonously. I’ve been noticing though that A and I have kind of barely been able to spend time together. Since we work all day in separate places we hardly see each other, and he gets off work really late basically every day. We have a quick dinner and then he’s off to the gym pretty much until it’s time for bed. I guess in normal co-living situations, that’s generally how people’s schedules are organized, but since A and I have been doing long-distance for so long already, whenever we are together we spend pretty much all of that time together. So I guess it’s just been a bit weird for me to adjust to. I find it interesting that it’s so significant to me since when we’re apart I barely talk to him as it is because I’m always doing something separate. And usually I like to have some time to myself so I can work whatever things I’m focusing on; I guess it’s just been weird since I wasn’t expecting to see this less of him.
I had somewhat of a therapeutic moment this week also, which has been weighing pretty heavy on my mind since. I started talking to A about how I’ve never genuinely committed to a single thing in my life, and how I find it so hard to deepdive into anything. Like I half-ass every goal, and I have no idea why I’m like this. Whether it was school, my career, my hobbies, anything. I’ve generally just done enough to scratch the surface before my interest peeters out and I end up forgetting I even cared about something to begin with. He tried to help me come to terms with those feelings, but I think it’s difficult because he’s the type of person who feels so passionately about his interests that he will find his way to achieve his goal. So how do you relate to someone who has no idea what that feels like? It got me really thinking about my Instagram account and my bounding hobby. I’ve been feeling since the beginning of this journey that I just have nothing unique to contribute. I see so many awesome creators put their own twists on things and come up with these really awesome and creative ideas, and I have no idea how they get from here to there, and how they generate such great concepts. It often makes me feel like all I ever am is a copycat, and not a very good one at that, since I don’t commit to recreating anything with much vigor. So generally, on the mental health side, I’ve been pretty down on myself as of late. I want to find my way out of this funk, but I’m just not sure how to do that right now.
On the bright side, one major major highlight of the week was the amazing initial results of our latest R&D at the warehouse! As a team, we’ve been in such a tough place because of the diminishing funds and our lack of traction in getting additional funding. On top of that, our sales aren’t exactly explosive or consistent, so we’ve been struggling a lot. But with the recent developments from the end of this week, it feels like new energy has been brought to us. Like I can actually see a future where we make it through this tough time. It was just such an amazing feeling and such an unbelievable experience that I’m still amazed even right now and can’t believe we did it, or that we’re so close to our goal and we barely just started. This sounds super cryptic, but I just don’t want to give anything away until the time is right, because I’m honestly so excited for a big reveal!
My focuses for next week are going to be planning more stuff for the house in terms of decorations and necessary furniture, taking care of my next walkthrough where hopefully I won’t have too many issues with it, and hopefully getting started on another one of my somewhat secret side projects that I hope will help me feel more like I belong in the creative spaces I’m in. It feels like it’s going to be another mentally-taxing week, so hopefully I get through it without too much damage.